election

The Hotness of a President

During a Wednesday night watch party in downtown Charlotte, we couldn’t help but notice a young woman in the crowd who was powerfully intoxicated with the former president and who squirmed excitedly through all 48 minutes of his speech. We sat down with her to find out just what it is about Big Bill that drives women wild.

Excited Fan (mid-20s; mildly inebriated): I love Bill Clinton. He is the sexiest politician in the world.

Tumblr: And you don’t care about Democrats at all.

EF: No.

T: You have never felt attracted to any other Democrat or Republican?

EF: No

T: Ever?

EF: Ever.

T: Or any politican?

EF: No.

T: Who else are you attracted to, besides Bill Clinton?

EF: Politician-wise?

T: No, period.

EF: Uh, like, George Clooney?

T: Okay, that’s a good answer. That’s completely fair.

EF: I think Bill Clinton and George Clooney are on the same page: Sexy.

T: Can you put a finer point on that sexiness?

EF: Um, the way they speak?

T: Which is?

EF: Sexy.

————

EF: I think Bill Clinton speaks to women the way every woman wants to be spoken to.

[An older woman chimes in]

Older Woman: He speaks with his eyes! Bill Clinton speaks with his eyes to every woman.

EF: And his heart and his hair.

OW: I saw him at a high school gymnasium, and you felt like he really looked directly at you.

T: When you felt like he was looking at you, what did you feel?

[Older woman blushes]

EF: You can say it. I already said it.

OW: It’s a trance, it pulls you in.

T: Okay, this is a super weird question, but when you get that feeling do you feel like a girl or like a woman?

OW: A woman.

EF: A woman.

————

T: What doesn’t work for you about Paul Ryan?

EF: I think it’s about the issues…also, Bill Clinton’s face. I wanna say “issues” so I feel better. Bill Clinton, I mean, face, voice, no matter what, I will always agree with Bill Clinton.

T: Damn. No matter what he says?

EF: He could literally be like, “Here’s a fucking Polynesian ninja and let’s vote him president.” And I’d be like well, yeah, let’s do that.

T: I would never vote a Polynesian ninja for president.

————

EF: I think Bill Clinton is the best thing that ever happened to American politics.

T: Is that because of his hotness, despite his hotness?

EF: I think that is despite everything that happened because of his hotness. I think people realize that politicians aren’t infallible. They make their mistakes. They do their shit.

T: But do you think that in the post-Clinton era, that politicians are given that much leeway?

EF: No!

T: Would you prefer they did?

EF: Would I prefer they did? Maybe if they looked like Bill Clinton.

————

EF: Everybody knows that Bill Clinton is hot.

T: Everybody?

EF: Every boy and girl.

T: They just all agree?

EF: Everybody knows Bill Clinton is a hot piece of man. I don’t care how old he gets, I don’t care what party he promotes.

T: What would Bill Clinton have to do now to lose you?

EF: Kill Justin Bieber.